After all the years-long anxious self-talk, I'm finally learning to reframe my dreaded thirties into something to be celebrated
I used to dread the 30-year-old milestone. "By 30, I should've accomplished this and that; should've been on the right career path; should've become completely independent; should've found the one," my inner voice had rushed to conclude quite a while ago.
But on the morning of the 20th of January this year, as I left my bed and stepped into the real 30-year-old life instead of the anticipated self-talk I was used to, those expectations felt a bit dramatic.
So, what does turning 30 feel like?
It doesn't feel that scary anymore. Not as overwhelming as I'd imagined. What should be so scary about me, anyway?
It's just thirty years of growing, of learning about myself and the world while stumbling on rocks and getting on my feet repeatedly.
What should be so scary about me, anyway?
Thirty years of meeting people I wish I'd met before and whose memories will be kept in my heart forever.
Thirty years of being deluded then disillusioned by people after realizing they're not who I expected them to be, and having to mend my heartbreak, the hard way.
Thirty years of shying away then getting the confidence to stand out from the crowd, to speak my mind, to say bad words, and to demand respect. Thirty years of trying to figure things out just to find out that I know nothing at all.
Thirty years of overthinking, overstressing, and overcrying about small things that once seemed to be so relevant.
Thirty years of innocent joy about the simplest of things, and bursts of laughter about the silliest ones.
The innocent joy about the simplest things and the laughter about the silliest stuff. That's the part I mean the most as I feel deep in my heart that it does describe me. And I don't want to ever lose that.
Coming to terms with the 30-year-old milestone
Finally, turning 30 doesn't feel so scary anymore. It feels like an honor, by the way, and a reason to celebrate to be reminded that I'm living and learning day by day, each time a bit closer to my best self.
Each day, a tiny bit wiser from what life's been teaching me in both soft, quiet, and rampant, earth-shaking ways.
It feels like an honor, by the way, and a reason to celebrate to be reminded that I'm living and learning day by day, each time a bit closer to my best self.
Wouldn't ever want to go back in time, as I couldn't even know then the things that I know now. The past thankfully belongs to the past. And there's a lot of the unknown ahead to be discovered.
Though I have no clue what the destination looks like, I know that I've been on my way all along — and that just feels enough.
It feels great to be 30, at last. It's a pleasure to meet me again.
Love,
Ana Clara.
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